Remorseless Version of a Person with Severe Anxiety and Suicidal Thoughts

I don't exactly know what I feel. It's easy to take off this remorseless mask. It is. I just read something about emotions and suicide and mental health and I break down. And it quickly triggers my emotions. But at the same time, I wish I was always like this. No emotions. No anxiety. No overthinking. Not even a little bit of thinking. Just pure ignorance. Pure and utter indifference.

It feels great to feel no pain. To just be a robot that doesn't think or feel, or empathize. I wish I could easily just turn on this mode whenever I want to. But frankly, it's not who I am. I am a passionate person with a soft heart. It is unlike me not to feel remorse. It's unlike me to not think of other people's fate. I'm too much of a shitty ass to pretend that I am remorseless.

I don't exactly know what else to say. I'm just really feeling broken and ignorant. And I like it. Because I've lived forever with much anxiety and terrible shitty feelings about life. Paranoia. And everything else. I wish I could easily just jump off the window. I can though. I'm beside one now. I'm in an hotel and in a few minutes I'll be alone. And I can jump. And nobody will know until the deed's already done. And then, I can get to my escape. My solemn escape. I wish it were that easy. . . As I sit here, and I imagine myself jumping and hitting the ground. I feel a bit of pain. Psychological and emotional pain for myself. Pity for myself. Empathy for myself. As if I'm watching other people do it to themselves. And it fucking sucks.

the end.

Life isn't very long. If you found a person that makes you happy, make sure to spend your time well together cause life can really bite a person in the ass. One day you'll wake up and realize that you've already lost the greatest person that makes you happy.

Dear Ex-Boyfriend

You know, I want nothing more but to love you and be with you for the rest of my life. And from time to time, I really feel hopeless too. I really missed you and I felt so much pain, but I just thought... this is just the beginning. In the future, I'll get to spend the rest of my life with you and it'll make this seem like child's play. It'll make it almost pointless to feel this way right now, because one day, I'll be the happiest I'll ever be, spending my life with my best friend.

It's so painful and hard to know that it's not gonna be the story. It just really hurts. I don't really know how to get by and what to do. I used to be spend my day really well, watching videos, knowing that I have you in my life. But now, as I watch these videos and not hearing from you, it just really hurts. It really hurts that one day you find this person that you really love and the next day, he's just gone from your life. For no reason at all. There wasn't a fight. Nobody had any faults, but he just disappears. I don't really know what to do.

I tried to fight. I begged you to take me back. Why can't you be strong enough for me? Why can't you fight for me? Why aren't I worth it for you? Why are you so scared of something that hasn't even happened. Please don't give up on me. I'm so selfish. I couldn't let you go. I'm so selfish I'm forcing you to be with me. I'm sorry I'm selfish. I feel broken I can't even function. I wish I had more people with me. I wish I wasn't so broken. I wish I had a little more to hold on to. I really wish I did.

Symptoms are back.

They're back. I don't have it yet... but they're back.

Oversleeping.

Overeating.

Lost of interest in thing that you used to like.

Feeling lost.

No care in the world and self.

I don't know. It really all began with... pageant. And failing at it. And then, losing again in my fight for my future. And then losing in my fight for dreams. And now, I may pretend to be okay with it. To not care. But it breaks me inside. And now? I'm losing again. Again. Again. Again. Taking the test again, and I am losing. I am not prepared. I have not studied. I don't know what life has in stored for me. And I don't know what'll happen next. One thing's for sure...

I am not okay.

I am far from okay.

Broken. Again.

I'm so confused as to where it actually begins. The feelings..

It's abnormally weird to feel like you're back to where you were four years ago. Exactly where you were. Broken, lost, and irreparable. How is it really like to give yourself to a person 100%? To love someone and be in love with someone? It really just ends in pain, honestly. There's no way that you wouldn't get hurt.

I say... if you have issues. If you are not okay, psychologically, and neither is your partner... I think you should break up. Just leave him. It will not work unless one of you is strong enough. If both of you are broken. Then you're bound to break each other to pieces without anyone to pick either of you up.

You're broken already... why would you bring someone else into the picture and break him too?

How It's Been.

It's a few weeks now. Almost a month, I think? Hey there! I just got a new phone and I recently just downloaded the Blogaway app. I hope this works just as well as the Blogger app from Itunes. I'm using android now, and the PlayStore don't exactly have the same apps as Itunes does.

Anyhow..

I'm back! Better and more stressed. I just can't relieve myself from all this stress. It's been good though. School just started again, and so far, it's been alright. I'm currently taking up my last practicum at the psychology department of the university. We were personally handpicked by our professors, so that's flattering. The job isn't as satisfying, but I don't really have that much of a choice, considering everything. I was actually really hoping to have my practicum at the couseling center, however, that's not what God has planned out for me. And I'm okay with that... I guess?

Off to the next topic at hand, my life. Speaking of my life, do you remember the guy I told you about? The guy that told me he dreamt about me the first time he saw me? Well... he disappeared now. Again. And finally. I'm using 'finally' in a sense that I'm saying he's gone for good. Not that he's gone and I'm happy about it. I really was hoping a relationship out of what we had. It was heartbreaking and disappointing because he really made me feel special. He told me how he wanted to marry me and he told me all these things that I girl just wants to hear from a man. And I liked him. But he just disappeared. I don't really know why. He disappeared and I tried asking for an explanation, but he's not responding anymore. So I guess, that's that. It's disappointing, but it's alright.

In the light of everything, I realized how I'm not ready to be in a relationship. I mean, I am ready emotionally, mentally and physically, but I'm not ready in reality. Because reality is, I'm a very busy person. If I were to commit, I wouldn't be able to give that person the time and attention that he deserves. It's that OR I would end up neglecting my responsibilities. And that's not something that I want to happen. I will probably write a more detailed post about this one day, but as of now, this is what I have going on in my life. I'll post soon. I actually have a lot going on, so I'm sure I'd have a lot to say. 'Til next time!

And again.

So... there. Just want to give you guys another update on what happened with the guy. It's strange. It's like he's just playing with me. Playing with my emotions and me. Why does it feel like that? As Filipinos would call it, "PAASA".

That's what I feel about him. Because he would tell me sweet things, but at the same time, he would just suddenly disappear. Disappear and not give any warning or reason why he'd disappear. Right now, it's even come to the point that I couldn't contact him. I couldn't call him. He doesn't reply to my Facebook messages (well, to be honest, Facebook says he hasn't been online). But it's just weird! He promised he'd give me his picture or meet me, but he never did. He told me he'd call me, but he never did. He told me he'd text me, but never did. Things that he used to say makes it hard for me to believe that he's even sincere. That he's even real.

What if I'd been imagining him all this time? What if I've been hallucinating all of this? What if there wasn't even a him to begin with? I like him. I really like him. But I don't even know him. I don't know him, but I want to know him. But I don't think I'm going to be given the chance to know him. He's gone. He doesn't text, or call. It's been two days. And I'm kind of freaking out. Did he get in a car accident? Is he okay? Is his mom okay? I'm tired of being the first one to take the step. I'm tired of being the one to initiate. But I like him. And I feel bad, because half the time, he's the only thing in my mind. But yet... it's like he's not even real.

"Paasa ka lang pala."

The Most Random-est Guy

I just want to tell the story of the most random-est thing that happened in my life. You might not know, but I’m currently finishing up my internship in a medical & travel insurance company. And the strangest thing just happened. I met someone.

He’s probably in his early 20’s. I don’t know. I never asked! For the first week of my internship, I just saw him a lot. He usually wandered around the floor that I was based in, and I never really noticed him that much. Saw him as a random guy, I guess. We did talk a bit when we were in the elevator together, but it was just small talk.

Then one day, on the Friday of our second week of internship, he comes up to my cubicle and started asking me random stuff like, “Do you have a boyfriend?” “Are you allowed to have a boyfriend?” “Have you ever had a boyfriend before?” And to be honest, I didn’t find it weird then. It didn’t even cross my mind that he might be interested in me. I get these questions a lot because my culture is usually complicated with getting into a relationship, so I thought he was just curious as such. Then out of nowhere, he tells me to write my full name on a piece of paper, and I was like… “Whuuuuut” deep inside. I started to worry. What’s happening? Why is he asking me to write it down instead of saying it. Weird.

Then he says, “Don’t tell anyone I asked for your name, because we’re in the HR Department.” He’s not really part of the HR department, but that’s where I was having my training. So, I guess he just got worried because he was an employee there and I was just a trainee. And it would usually result into complications if the HR personnels found out. So that’s when I thought that maybe… he didn’t ask me all of this out of curiosity. Maybe he’s asking all this because of something else. Then he explains why he asked for my name. “I dreamt about you. Maybe it’s because I’ve been seeing you around the department for the past few days. You’re psych, right? What can you say about that?”

I didn’t know how to respond. Pseudo-psychology says that it’s because maybe you like someone. I wanted to say that and clarify that it’s PSEUDO-PSYCH. But I am a psych student. So I had to say the truth. I chuckled, “I dunno. Maybe your unconscious is speaking.” And that’s true. In psychology, your dreams are part of your unconscious. And these dreams are part of the id. The id, which is full of your desires.

I’m usually very good as sensing people and their intentions, but he truly came out of nowhere. He didn’t even know my name when he approached me. I didn’t know his name as well. He actually left without giving me his name. Weird. He came back then asked to input my number on his phone. I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t hesitate or anything. I just did it. He thanked me and went to chat up my supervisor. Before he left the floor, he came back to my cubicle and asked, “Just to clarify, you don’t have a boyfriend, right? Cause I don’t want to get in trouble.” And so I said that I didn’t. That’s when it finally clicked. That’s when it was finally clear what his intention was. He told me that he would text me that night.

That Friday went on when someone suddenly called in the company phone. It’s the phone in my cubicle. Their phones are the kind that pops out the name of the caller if the caller is also using a company phone. So his name popped out. I knew his name because I’m working in HR. I hesitated to answer. He knew I was based in that cubicle, so he knew that I would be the one answering the phone. I thought of transferring the call to someone else, but then I was like… “Fuck it.” I answered the phone. “HR, good morning.” He then asked, “May I know who’s speaking?” I told him my name. “And then he started asking again. He asked what my Facebook name was because he tried typing in my name and he couldn’t find it. Maybe he thought I gave him a fake name or something. Thinking about it now, maybe I should’ve. Haha. That would be funny. And so I clarified. “Oh. My Facebook name is ****** **. It’s my nickname.” I even spelled it out for him. He then searched it up and clarified and described the profile picture that he found. When I said that that’s my profile, he said thank you and closed the call.

I had a mini panic attack then. Did I have anything embarrassing in my Facebook? Holy shit. I might have. But I didn’t have a choice then. He already opened it up. My anxiety started kicking in and I was kind of nervous of the possible judgment. But then I realized that my Facebook was in private. So at least, that’s a good thing. It was kind of creepy that five minutes after he asked my name, he searches me up in Facebook, but I guess that’s life nowadays. Social media is a huge part of it, no matter what you do, you can’t take that out of the picture.

I guess, by then, I wasn’t very interested. I was actually scared of bumping into him in the elevator cause I thought that he was the most random thing that ever happened to me. I was scared of going to the 4^th floor, because last I saw him, he was on that floor. I thought he was based on that floor. When my supervisor asked me to go to that floor to do something, I didn’t want to. I even asked my groupmate to go with me there in case he was there. So that I would have an excuse not to talk to him. But he wasn’t there. And I kinda wished that he was.

Lunch came and ended. I haven’t seen him again. I checked my phone, there was one missed call from an unknown number. But there wasn’t any text saying who it was. I didn’t want to reply. I wanted to wait for a text. So the day went on, with me constantly checking my phone. I guess by then, I started becoming interested in him. Curious about him. Even got a little uneasy when I found out that he called my other groupmate pretty. It made me think that maybe he’s just a random playboy trying to play with girls or something. He gives off that kind of vibe, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he was.

The day went on and I finally saw him again when I went back to the 6^th floor. He was there. He kept walking around and looking at the cubicle that I stayed in. I was waiting for him to talk to me, but he didn’t. Okay. It made me think, “Ok. Maybe he isn’t that interested.” I got home, still waiting for that text that he promised. But there wasn’t any. I thought, maybe I shouldn’t just wait. Maybe I should do something. Show him that “Yes, I’m interested too.” So I texted the unknown number. “Who’s this?” He replied, and introduced himself, even asked me to save his number. And I did. We texted a bit, but it didn’t feel as if he was very into it. He did put in random stuff like… “I hope you don’t friendzone me.” But it didn’t feel sincere… or real. Maybe I just had expectations, because he was quite adamant about getting my number. He didn’t add me on Facebook either. Why go through my private facebook profile and not add me? Then I thought, “Maybe it’s because the HR people would see and automatically know that something’s up.” So I let it go.

It’s only the second day since that encounter and he hasn’t texted since. So I don’t know. Maybe he is just a random guy looking to fool around. I don’t know. One thing’s for sure… I am interested.

Social Anxiety.

It's taken a while for me to finally write about this. And some part of it is because it's only lately that I've actually been comfortable enough to talk about it and accept it. And lately, mostly, it's been good. I've been good. I've been good with keeping up with my life and being flexible and ignoring all the thoughts — even suppressing them in a very healthy way.

But it doesn't just go away. It never does. And it never will.

As my good professor once told me, you are sometimes born with it, or you develop it as you go through life. And once you get it, it doesn't just go away. There will be days when you are able to manage it. Days when you feel like you can take on the world. But at the end of the day, it doesn't go away. You will live with it all throughout your life until the day you die.

It's not fun. I mean, how can it be? Anxiety is one of those things that takes over your life when you least want it to. Sometimes it happens in circumstances when you really want to be your best self, but you couldn't because your anxiety is getting in the way. Most of the time, it's hard to live in the way that you want when there are so many restrictions in your life. Restrictions that you never asked for and never wanted.

Having social anxiety is like having the whole world against you. It's like having everything in your life restricted by your assumption of what other people might think of you. Personally, it's one of my biggest struggles in life. I've struggled with it my whole life. I've had it since I was a little kid, I think? From my recollection, I've had it since I was in elementary school; I noticed it when I was in high school; and I understood it only when I was in college. Even until now, I couldn't say that I understand it 100% to the point that I could live with it and not struggle.

I have struggles. Every second of the day. It's so difficult to the point that I couldn't even function properly. I just shut down. This happens most especially on days when I feel overwhelmed. The thing about social anxiety and dealing with social anxiety is that as much as you try to manage or take control of it, it will eventually comeback and bite you in the ass. Hard.

Some people don't even know or recognize that social anxiety is a thing. Some people think it's just "shyness" or something like that. It's really not. It's a serious thing. And it hurts me to believe that some people don't take it seriously, because it took a serious toll in my life.

Being in psych definitely helped me with it. I probably wouldn't be able to manage it as well as I do now if I hadn't been in psych. Yes. Therapy helps. But what helps the most, I believe, is a strong strife for success and betterment. That, and a good support group, of course.

I mean, I've had a strong strife for betterment since day 1. But when I managed to attain a good support group, it just went uphill from there. I continued to grow and flourish in my own way. Even to the point that when my support group disappeared, I still survived. And that's something amazing. That's something I'm proud about myself.

So guys, acknowledge it. Acknowledge you anxiety, accept it, strive to be better, and eventually, the rest would follow, as long as you attain a stable support group. Even simple friends would help. But my biggest advice is, don't keep it for yourself. Because my whole life only started changing when I finally told someone about it. And it changed my life forever.

Don't keep it in. Let it out. Let the world hear you out and let them know how you feel and what you feel. Because you don't know how much the world is going to understand you. You just don't know it. The world is out there, open for you. Take a chance. A leap of faith even. Because that changes everything. It just does. Trust me.

Alone.

There are days when I just don't understand how my mind and heart really works. It's strange. It's almost like the world doesn't agree with my mood and emotions. It's almost like nobody quite understands the world as I do. I mean, I don't even understand myself.

And in those days... I just feel... alone. 

Alone not even because I'm all by myself, but alone in a sense that i feel like I'm not even with myself. It's like my soul isn't within my body. It's like my being isn't in sync with my mind. It's the strangest thing. It's almost inhuman. I've always tried understanding how I work, or at least try to understand how my mind works. Because I just don't understand when i have my off days. When I feel too overwhelmed to even function. It's like I just shut down. My whole mind and body shuts down and i just feel completely helpless and incomplete. Like I'm not even in control of myself.

I mean, how do you deal with this kind of feeling? This kind of stress. It's like the anxiety is so overwhelming that it's almost taking over my whole life. I try to function better. I try to compromise for myself. But there are just days, or at least moments, when I just can't take it anymore, and I just need to take a break, and stop. And look at myself.Look at myself and think, what am I doing all of this for? Is it for myself? Or am I doing it for somebody else?

I'm all alone. Almost. And all I have that's holding me up is also... myself. And sometimes, a part of me is just sad and hurt why life is like this with me. Do I not deserve more? At all?