I don't exactly know what I feel. It's easy to take off this remorseless mask. It is. I just read something about emotions and suicide and mental health and I break down. And it quickly triggers my emotions. But at the same time, I wish I was always like this. No emotions. No anxiety. No overthinking. Not even a little bit of thinking. Just pure ignorance. Pure and utter indifference.
It feels great to feel no pain. To just be a robot that doesn't think or feel, or empathize. I wish I could easily just turn on this mode whenever I want to. But frankly, it's not who I am. I am a passionate person with a soft heart. It is unlike me not to feel remorse. It's unlike me to not think of other people's fate. I'm too much of a shitty ass to pretend that I am remorseless.
I don't exactly know what else to say. I'm just really feeling broken and ignorant. And I like it. Because I've lived forever with much anxiety and terrible shitty feelings about life. Paranoia. And everything else. I wish I could easily just jump off the window. I can though. I'm beside one now. I'm in an hotel and in a few minutes I'll be alone. And I can jump. And nobody will know until the deed's already done. And then, I can get to my escape. My solemn escape. I wish it were that easy. . . As I sit here, and I imagine myself jumping and hitting the ground. I feel a bit of pain. Psychological and emotional pain for myself. Pity for myself. Empathy for myself. As if I'm watching other people do it to themselves. And it fucking sucks.
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