Trying Hard and Failing

Could you really count forgiveness attained from begging as a legitimate apology? The answer is a no, but I think that's the only thing that I'm going to get.

She's been so cold to me lately. She doesn't reply to most of my texts and she doesn't care about me or anything that I do. Even if I showed her how much I care about her, she makes it seem like nothing happened.

I guess I kind of deserved that, being a douche and all, but is this really necessary? I'm trying my best!

I guess my best just isn't enough. She's worth it, and if it meant that I needed to exert more than my best, then I would do it.

Abigail Williams is just the most forgiving and awesome person I know. I know she would let go eventually, but until how long is she keeping this charade? Until I learn my lesson? I've learned my lesson! I would never do it again. I would never leave her again.

Whoa. It's strange. It's like she's been such an important part of my life yet I never noticed it. I've never realized how significant her mere presence has been. She's---she's important to me, more than I could ever imagine.

I guess it's true. You'll never know what you have until you lose it.

Need You Now

This is so a Lady Antebellum moment. I feel like I'm in a music video.

"It's a quarter after one, la la la.."

It's not yet a quarter, but it's getting there. Do I have permission to just cry? No sleeping the whole night in exchange of a crying session, but only if euphoria would be guaranteed after the session. Does that sound sane? Probably not.

It just hurts. It still hurts.

I've already ranted everything to Marcus, yet all this pain keeps rushing back. It's not easy to get over it because it's not an easy problem.

If only I could forget all the joy of our friendship. Is amnesia possible if I hit my head on the wall really really hard? Probably not.

I've already finished it with him. I told him to leave me alone and to do whatever he wants in his life because I don't care anymore. Even if I still did, I told him I didn't. I'm being tough. I need to be brave. I need to be strong for myself.

However, it doesn't help that he keeps on texting me. Being the good girl that I am, I reply to some of it, but I intentionally show my distaste in every syllable I give.

That ought to get rid of him. Even if it didn't, I hope it makes him realize how terrible he treated me. I could just cry forever. That's how painful it is to be betrayed by your best friend.

Skirt Chaser

Lucky enough, I get this awesome best friend, Abi. She's great.

Our friendship started really weird and it has had its terrible turns but we always get together in the end. She's always been there for me that every time we talk, I feel like there's really nothing more to talk about.

I know her already. I know her too well that there really isn't anything else to know. There are so many girls out there like Alexis, who I've been crushing on for months now. We've been texting these past few months and I know that we both like each other.

With her on my back and with basketball season coming up, I really don't have time for Abi and her drama. She's too much to handle. I don't have time for that.

She's always upset when little things come up and it's so frustrating. I love her in a way, but she's just too much. She gets mad at me a lot and sometimes, I don't get it. She's too emotional.

There are girls out there that I could deal with right now. Abi's my best friend, she wouldn't leave me, but now, I want to focus on other girls for a while. When I get back, Abi would still be there anyway. Might as well have my fun.

However, when you do this for long, it just makes you feel guilty. She's my best friend and I do this to her. It's not right and I know that it would hurt her, but I do it anyway.

It makes me such an asshole, yet I still do it. I don't know why.

But she deserves to know. She deserves to make a choice. She can leave me or have me. She can decide after I tell her the truth. I owe her that.

A-hole Best Friend

It's too heartbreaking to learn that the best friend that you love with all your heart, turns out to be the same person who leaves you broken with a bucket of tears.

I didn't know. It felt so surreal that I don't even believe my own ears. He was ignoring me. He was literally trying to get rid of me and I didn't notice because I was too in love with him. I was too in love with my best friend to realize that he was trying to hate me.

He thought that he knew me too well that he could just ignore me. He thought our friendship was thrash and so he treated it that way. How bad could this get?

Did I even mention that while I waited for his every reply when he was purposely ignoring me, he was actually texting every skimpy skank in town?! He's such an asshole and I super hate him for it.

But even with all this hate, I still love him. I still love my best friend and it hurts. It hurts so much.

I cry all the time when we fight because I love him too much. I have a tendency to always think negatively, so every time we fight, I literally have a scene going on in my mind that he's walking away from me. It makes me scared.

I'm such a messed up girl who truly needs psychiatrict help, but instead, I keep all the messed up part of me hidden. I don't know what that makes me, but when all hell finally breaks lose, I'm not really sure if there would still be a 'me' to worry about.