Suicide Letter. (Death Letter).

A few days ago, we were surveyed by the Seniors of our school about Suicide. And well, personally, I think that everybody's have had thoughts of suicide one way or the other. You think about suicide? That's fine. It's not like it's part of the Ten Commandments, right?

Hmm.

It's hard. There were questions like, "Have you thought of how you want to take your own life?" or "Do you know what you want to say to the people before you take your life?" My answer, hardly! No. I haven't thought of that. But it gave me the idea to write this post. It's my suicide letter. I mean, deep inside, I know that I am never going to commit suicide. Yes, I think about it all the time, but no. I would never do it. If God thinks I deserve and am ready to die, he'll find a way. For now, I just have to wait. So, here it goes. Just in case I die without having thought about it enough. (You know, it's also a letter in case I just die out of God's plans for me.)

Hi. If you're reading this then good for you. You're one of the few people who would actually be able to know what goes on in my mind when I think of suicide. To me, suicide is a great way to run away from your problems. Suicide is a person's decision to finish their life. Suicide is not a sin. Suicide is a Plan B, in case Plan A isn't enough for your life. And I think of suicide as my friend.

It's not suicide in general, it's death actually. Death gives me a pat on the back every time I think about it. It shows me how grateful it is that I think about it. And I like this feeling of gratitude. I was never really afraid of death. Not really. I'm just waiting for it to happen. (Honestly, I've always had a feeling that I would die in a car accident. People of the future, let me know how this theory turns out, okay?)

So, yeah. Back to suicide and my reasons. Well, I don't know exactly. I've always had feelings of depression. I've been brought up by my mom to be an insecure child all my life. So, it's probably one of those? Hmm. I don't know. I usually feel like giving up when I feel suffocated by the people around me. I always want to help people and make them happy. I always want them to feel better. But when I'm actually the one who has a problem, they never notice it. They never realize it. It's like... I'm invisible. 

Sometimes, I just want to be told that everything's going to be okay. I just want to be told that I'm going to be fine. I just have to stay strong. Sometimes, I just want that. I just want to feel that when I give up, I would have someone to fall back on. I just want to feel that! Is that so hard?! *Sighs*

I can't always get what I want, I know that. But... I give and give, and I'm not expecting for something in return, but I just want to feel cared for. I just... The feeling that nobody cares about me to even ask if I'm okay. Yeah. That makes me want to give up. That's always the reason. 

I know that God create me because he gave me the mission to absorb your pain, but then what about me? Who absorbs mine? It's not fair that I need to absorb everybody's pain including my own.

Yeah... That's probably the reason. If I commit suicide, this is probably the reason. There is nobody in this world that could absorb my pain from me. Maybe because the only person who could do that is God. And what better way to get close to him than to go find him. I know that'll make life a whole lot easier.

There. Well, in case I didn't die of suicide, you might want to read this part and take it seriously. If I did commit suicide, it's also okay. Just read away.

Mom, Dad, I love you. I'm sorry this happened, but it's okay. I'm ready for it, okay? I'm strong enough to be alone on my journey to heaven (I'm pretty sure that's where I'm going). Pray for me, but don't be sad and don't cry over me. Thank you for everything. Both of you tried to make my life perfect, but I'm sorry. I'm just not the perfect daughter. I'm flawed. I know you hate me most of the time for everything that I do and sometimes for the things that I don't do, but I need you to know that I tried my best to be the best daughter that you want. I know my efforts were never enough but I truly tried my best. And yes, you're usually one the reasons why I would want to end my life, but it doesn't mean that I would love you any less. 

Sis, to both of you. Thank you. I was always the bad one from the three of us, and I'm sorry I was such a bad seed. It's just who I am. And since I'm already dead, I want you to know that I did everything to keep the family together. I did everything to keep the occasions fun and happy. I embarrass myself on purpose to see those smiles on your faces. I know it's worth it. I would have love it better if you'd actually felt or noticed when I have a problem or when I'm in pain, but that's okay. It's not your fault. It was never your job anyway. I know I started the "Saturday Game Night" or "Saturday Fun Night" tradition or whatever it is called by the time that you're reading this. But I hope this continues on without me. Especially when you already have kids and husbands. It's good to keep the family close.

To my High School friends, well. It was great meeting you guys. Some more than others. To my girl friends, thanks! I had fun. To the guys, HAHA. Meet you assholes when you get to hell.

To my College friends, well. Bye, I guess. It was a short time, but I had a lot of fun. Really. To the girls, thank you for always being there for me. To the guys, HAHA. Thanks bros. It's been a great ride with you assholes.

To my best friends, well. There I go. I'm sure you're all going to be fine without me. I know I've always said that I would never leave you when you need my help, but a time comes for a person to rest. I'm still here for you, no matter what. You won't be able to hear me hate on you when you make stupid decisions though. 

To my enemies, you're welcome. You officially free of me. Mwahahahaa.

To my Elem and High School Teachers, guys. You don't know how much you've inspired me in my life. Thank you so much for everything. You're all amazing people. Please keep doing what you do because you molded a person like me. Ambitious. Wise. And.. Haha. I'll stop praising myself now.

To my professors, okay. Most of you probably don't know me much from our one semester together, but you've all been amazing. Special mentions to the Psych profs! You're Amazeballs! All of you. Now, stop psychoanalyzing this letter. It's nothing, really.

And finally, to my one and only ex-bestfriend/bestfriend/MnM's, you'll always have me with you. And we'll always have our little 15. You'll always be the part of me that I would never hate (Never hate permanently. Temporarily is another thing. Don't get too cocky about it. I hate you most of the time!)

To my relatives, oh my God. You guys are... Hay. Most of you know what kind of stories to keep me interested. You guys always know that the craziest and silliest of stories gets my big mouth to open up. Haha. You know me so well and I'm sure all of you would be okay without my ridiculous humor and laugh. Thank you guys.

And if this is set in the future...

To my husband, I must love you so much to have married you. I will always be in your heart and I would want you to remarry again whenever you think its appropriate (Unless I committed suicide or died because of you. You know, serial killer husbands aren't really impossible nowadays. Especially in the future!)

To my kids, (Oh how I wish I would have had kids) Kids, I'm sorry. But mom has to go now. I won't be back anytime soon, but I want you to know that you'll always have a piece of me with you. And besides, I would never leave you with a man not responsible enough to take care you. I hope you guys grow up well. No junk food, okay? It's bad for you. And no alcohol until you're ready, please. And when it comes to love, I want you to follow your heart, okay? Don't let Daddy tell you otherwise! Love you kids! I'll pray for you from where I am.

To my in-laws, well, I really don't know. Thank you for giving your son to me. He was one of the greatest gifts I've ever received. It wasn't even Christmas but I already got the best gift of all.

To my patients, (If I become a doctor, psychiatrist that is) you'll all be fine. Just don't give up like I did (Did I commit suicide? Don't follow my foot steps, please.) I care about all you guys. Really. Please go find the help that you truly need. There's more psychiatrist in this world than you would want to believe. (If I'm a pediatrician) Wawa. Don't cry baby. You'll grow up an amazing person one day!

To my restaurant crew, (Please!! I hope get to open a restaurant for myself) Get your asses to work everyday and don't fail me and my name! My recipe's will be out of trend soon enough, change it up every once in a while, okay? Please take care of my baby. It's always been my dream.

To my fans (In case I became a celebrity) Lol. Thanks for the support.

To my loyal readers, I hope you enjoyed my stories and writings. Writing is one of the best ways for me to stop thinking about my problems. So, thank you for motivating me to continue writing.

Well, that's all I can see in the future for now, I guess. We'll see how this goes.