Dissatisfaction.

Nobody's ever really satisfied with their life. When one need is sustained in your life, you always end up searching for a new need to be met. And it's hard. But me, I'm happy and contented with my life. Really. It's just really sad because people end up pulling and dragging me down every time I know that I'm on top. It's really sad. Especially since it's mostly my mom.

When I feel less insecure about myself, someone in my life would tell me that I'm fat. When I feel less troubled in my life, someone in my life would give me a problem to live with. When I feel less negative about my life, someone in my life will give me a reason to feel depressed. At times in my life when I feel most powerful and happy, someone always knocks me over and steps on me without caring. It's like I don't deserve to be happy long enough to feel and savor it.

I don't know what it is, really. My mom just can never be happy for me. She hates me. She does. She tells me everything wrong about me and leaves out everything good. What does she expect me to feel? Happy? Because I don't. I feel more insecure about myself as each day passes. Every criticism she gives me is not for me to improve myself. It's for me to feel so bad about myself that I would just feel like dying. What parent would want that for their children? In what world would a mom intentionally hurt her child?! I just don't understand.

She probably means well, but it's just not working. I'm so messed up. It's all because of her. I always want to be satisfied with my life, but she gives me all the reason not to be. How much longer can I hold on to a piece of string that's finer than a thread of person's hair?