Trust.

Everybody says that trust is a two way streak. I definitely agree to that. So, how can I learn to trust someone who never seemed to trust me at all? I honestly thought that everything would be fine. I thought that he was better than that. It pains me to say that I am wrong.

Over the years, I have learned to love my father. I admit. Over the 16 years of my life, there were too many times that I have hated him. And it wasn't like the mild hate or the momentary hate, but it was pure hate. I used to hate him more than I cared about him.

Have yourself left at the streets by your own father at the age of 4-5? It is one of the most devastating experiences in my life to date. I couldn't move on with my life. For years, I have held that against him. I didn't know how to feel with what happened to me. I was a child! It was traumatic. And I thought I could never recover.

I was mistaken.

During my Junior year, I joined a sports team in school which had forced me to get closer to him. He was the one to drive me home, so we had to talk on the ride home. That experience made me know him better. It made me understand him and why he is the way he is. It made me love him. And it tears me apart to say that right now, I have realized that the experience was a lie.

Through the three years of being close to him, I have grown to become a better person. I have learned to trust him. I have learned to open up to him and tell him about my feelings. I thought that I had his love. His respect. His trust. But I guess I don't. I never did. And I never will. I have been fooled. He made me believe that he cared about me enough to make me happy. I thought he knew me well enough to trust me that I would not do anything bad.

But right now, I realized that he would never trust me. I am turning 18 yrs. old this year, and yet I am treated like a 10 yr. old. It's a shame. It's a shame that he thinks that I would lie to him. It's a shame that he think that I couldn't take care of myself. It's a shame that he trusts my sister more than he could EVER trust me.

It's a shame. It's a shame that I'm not his favorite. It's a shame that I'm not anyone's favorite. It's a shame to be called his daughter. It's a shame to be part of this family. It's a shame to be alive. And it's a shame that Jesus had to die for me to lie. It's a shame.